Today, I feel like sharing (even over-sharing) a negative experience in my life because self-reflection and sharing these experiences, good or bad, helps the healing process. It forces you to face the demons of the past and accept them for what they were. In my life at the moment, I try my best to maintain a positive mindset and a balanced life, but in the past, this was definitely not always the case.
So here’s a not so little secret; I was probably the most negative person you could meet only 2-3 months ago and I was stuck in that negative mindset for years. Year after year, everything was shit. Life, people, the world was cruel, sad, scary and sick. Everything was out to get me and absolutely nothing was in my favour.
I drifted through life making one bad choice after the next and around 6-7 years ago I was at the literal rock bottom. My life had spiralled downward very fast and I entered into an alcohol-fuelled relationship with a person who had just as many troubles in their life as me, if not more. Most of the time, this person would add to my misery and I would continually feel worthless. The sad thing was, back then in my naive and troubled mind, I thought I was so in love. And he needed love, like, really needed it. I genuinely wanted to help turn his life around, even though my own life was a complete mess. He could treat me however he wished and I would stand by him like the loyal and stupid person I was at the time.
The relationship quickly got out of control and ended shortly after. I won’t go into any details about what had occurred, but I ended up traumatised, confused and broken.
After this relationship ended I truly thought that my life would never look up. I was destined to live up to all the abusive names I had been called. Destined to live as a broken, crumpled, shadow of a person with my chatacter and reputation destroyed. Destined to die young, I thought.
It’s good to look back and reflect on the worst of times. It’s good to open up and share these terrible experiences, as they have essentially contributed to the person I am today. After meeting my daughters dad, I embarked on a journey of turning my life around with his assistance and support. It’s been a long, hard road with many obstacles and more to come I’m sure, but without his love and guidance, I really have no idea if I would be alive or dead at this moment in time, had my life continued on the dark and troubled path I had fallen down for what felt like so many years. I now have a wonderful family of my own, and we have worked hard to achieve a better life for ourselves, a process which is still ongoing. Nevertheless, we have made it.
It is my priority in life to keep improving myself in every sense of the word since going through those dark times. It’s the hardest times in your life that make you realise a lot about yourself, why you did the things you did and why you didn’t do the things you should’ve done. It puts life into perspective. My problems were exacerbated by a negative mind, which led me onto that dark path. I went through life thinking that this negativity was just me, just a part of who I was, how I had been conditioned throughout.
I see now how wrong I was about that. I see things on the bright side, where I would only see darkness previously. I am committed to building a life worth creating and my daughter will be able to see by my example that life is beautiful. It’s exciting mystery and wonder, full of endless possibilities. You cannot see these things with a negative mindset and it’s easy to get stuck there. You actively need to change that yourself. You have to go through the motions, the obstacles, the hardships and face everything head on. You need to rid yourself of all you thought you were. You need to reflect and carry on, using that reflection as your ammunition to turn it all around.
So long as my mind was negative, so were all my outcomes and experiences. Since focusing on positivity, everything seems achievable, everything feels worth it. The negative has helped me to become positive. Without the negative experiences, I wouldn’t have the same level of perception, understanding of life as I do now. With this, I can go on to help others and that is the gift. The good cannot exist without the bad.